Weblog

Thursday, 05 November 2009

  • there's faith in love.

    it's been a while since i've updated.
    school has started to consume a lot of my time, that and i'm constantly tired.
    everything is going so much better with schoool, friends, at home, and in my relationships.
    the first quarter of school is over, and my grades were the best theyve been in a long time.
    i've sort of tried to keep a low profile at schoool, just so that i could be there to learn, and not involved in all of the drama. and honestly, it's working out well. people are so much nicer to me and i have so many more friends this year. i have a boyfriend, who i couldn't be happier with. and everything is just starting to get better.

    i still feel rushed with a lot of things. and i miss the way things used to be from time to time.
    but i've really started to realize that everything happens for a reason and everything you do will effect your life in some way. i've started to look at the outcomes of things before i do them, and tried to make the right decision. ive tried to look on the creative side of things and make changes in my life, for the better. i'm trying my best to be optimistic and be that person that people come to with their problems. everything is slowly getting better, i've become a much happier person. and i'm sure that the people around me have noticed.

    i have made lots of goals for myself and written them down. there's over 200 so far.
    they're sort of just little things that ive always wanted to do, or things that would be fun. i'm going to try and do everything on that list. just to see if i can do it, and because i know that if i do, i'll be happier. i want  a change in my life, and that's not going to happen if i don't sit down and pick out the things that i need to change.
    i know that change isn't going to happen over time, and i'm willing to do whatever it takes to become happier. it might be hard, but i'm going to do my best and i'm going to try and stick to it.

    i really wish i sat down and updated this site more, only because it's a great way for me to vent and get everything i want to say out in the open. ironically its one of my goals to update this site more. hopefully its one of those that i stick to. well i'll probably update this again later on today. <3

Friday, 11 September 2009

  • i thought that maybe this year was different,

    i thought that maybe people would stop making fun of me, that people would grow up and mature some. but i guess that everything is still the same. i don't know what i ever did to deserve all of this. i try to abt like it all doesn't bother me but it does more than you could imagine. it is harder than you think to walk the halls by yourself and to stay up at night not having anyone to go to when you need a shoulder to cry on. when you're happy and when you're finally going somewhere you have no one to tell. when you just want to break down and cry, there's no one to tell you that everything is going to be okay. so maybe everything won't be okay, maybe this is just a sign. i want a boyfriend i want a bestfriend that lives here, i want people to take me seriously. i don't understand why they don't. why does this have to be so hard, i just want to be happy and really be happy not just pretend that i'm happy, help me please. tell me everything is going to be okay, tell me that i'm worth it. because i really don't think that i am anymore.

Wednesday, 26 August 2009

  • somehow you say someone worth saving

    you pulled me back into the light. i'm so sick of everything, i'm sick of being led on and used and getting hurt. no matter what i do i end up being just as alone as before. sometimes i feel like i'm not worth it, or that i just want to run away, and walk just walk forever. i hate sitting at home and feeling like i have no life, i'm sick of feeling like it's never going to get better. i can't help it that i like you, i've tried so hard, you think i don't understand how hard it is ? you don't think i realize why you're scared, or why you don't wanna date me. but i mean i think i should get at least one chance, maybe you don't feel the same way, maybe you just thought you liked me ? maybe you just used me, even though i know you better than that at least i hope i do. i just wish you understood i just wish you would talk to me about it tell me how you really feel, pop avoiding it, because it just makes it all the worse.

Tuesday, 25 August 2009

  • i've never felt so confused, and alone.

    i can honestly say that my biggest fear is to be alone. i'm not talking the relationship alone, i'm talking the completely alone, the walking around by yourself, keeping your thoughts, your fears, your dreams, everything to yourself. having no one to turn to when you need it the most. not a bestfriend, not a boyfriend, and sometimes not even friends it seems like. everyone finds a reason to walk away, i couldn't tell you why they all left. i couldn't tell you why i'm alone but i can tell you i've never felt like this before. i've never wanted change, wanted something different, i've never wanted to find who i am more than i do right now. but at the same time i've over felt like quitting more than i do now. like i'm never going to get any where. maybe i'm supposed to be alone maybe i'm not worth anyones time. maybe i should just stop letting people walk all over me. but then again i tell myself that no one will walk all over me, but people continue to walk all over me. i just can't take any thing anymore. i just wanna breakdown and cry, but that will get me no where because i'm still by myself.

Sunday, 09 August 2009

  • just leave me alone,

    you're everywhere, in the back of my mind, in my dreams, i think of you even when i don't mean to. i don't want to think about you, i don't want to care about you, but i do. i don't understand it, we only talked for a little less than two months, we didn't even date, but the more i don't think about you when i'm awake you start to be in my dreams. it worries me, makes me feel like i shouldn't let go. no one has ever been told this because i feel crazy for caring this much..